F*cking Dinner

Let’s be honest—cooking dinner night after night is an endless chore. No one wants to be stuck with it...other than Ms. Church Lady who is, of course, a chef at heart.

The husband and I take turns cooking dinner. We did not come to this place of equity easily...because as I have mentioned before...marriage did not come easily to us—both being selfish and lazy. But we finally reached this agreement that one of us would provide dinner one night and the other would provide dinner the following night.

Please notice the wording..not COOK, but PROVIDE.

Invited over to someone’s house for dinner and it is my night to cook—SCORE! His mom has made an extra lasagna —he will hide this noteworthy information until it is is his turn to cook.

This agreement fulfills so many of our needs...providing a family dinner for The Beast (studies have shown it is important), feeding our overly competitive relationship, and fueling our creativity.

Just in case your are wondering...we are available for dinner—Sunday, Tuesday, Thursday.....

Sex and Marriage

Did you have sex before you married daddy?

It is odd how you never anticipate questions like these—they just come out of the blue. We were watching the PBS News Hour...not even one of those none rated foreign films --“How should I know there was a 15 minute sex scene?”...that lingered artfully, yet explicitly over young French bodies entangled in passion? I say with my eyes to my glaring husband as we try, unsuccessfully, to distract the open mouthed, totally engage Beast from the on-screen copulation. Did that DVD provoke any questions—NO...not a one. I guess it just goes to show that PBS is truly thought provoking—it was a story on the News Hour about why teaching abstinence before marriage to teens does not work. Surprise, surprise....

I, of course, ignored the Beast’s question and looked at the TV attempting to bide time to think of a true, but sanitized answer. The only thing that came to mind was--Hello...I married your father when I was 34...you better believe I had sex before that. “Well?” she said...

I started...”Your father and I married rather late in life and we had many adventures before we found one another again...so yes. I did have boyfriends and sex before I married daddy....after I got my degree...and I always used condoms for protection...” (okay...it was not completely true.)

The Beast then turned to the smirking Husband. “How about you daddy? “
The Husband’s face changed to serious and he looked The Beast in the eye and said: “No. Mommy was the first person I ever had sex with.”

Pleassssee...If there was a god listening a lightening bolt would have struck the house.

Not A Slave to Fashion

"She dresses kooky.”
The husband often makes announcements like the one above and this : “The house is a wreck.” and I generally ignore them, because unless there is a directive I feel he is just expressing an opinion. But when he said— “She dresses kooky and YOU should do something about it. YOU are her MOTHER” those are fighting words.

It is here that I want to mention that marriage did not come easily to me. I lived happily alone for many years in the city before I was wooed away by promises of a sex filled bucolic life. The first few years involved many flying coffee cups, packed bags, threats of changing locks etc....but years later I have become more Zen in my approach to living with someone else...someone, who I believe, is even MORE annoying than I am...

As soon as the words are out of his mouth I sit quietly stroking my coffee cup...to frighten him and then think-I buy the child normal clothes....I cannot help that she is not a slave to fashion. She is creative. If she chooses to wear her hot pink fleece with her acid green windbreaker, a wildly colored skirt and turquoise Merrill's —what am I to do? By the time she is at the school bus stop I am already tucked in my NYC cubicle writing mind numbing memos to other administrators.

Yet years of marriage have served me well. I say--”Of course.”

The following morning as I write my breakfast note to The Beast which always goes something like this—”Please remember to work hard and have fun at school. Don’t forget your homework. I LOVE YOU! “ I follow this morning with a post script. “P.S. Please don’t dress kooky.”

My part as a mother is done.

And here below...you can see the results.