Marriage--You Have to WORK at It!

I was telling a happily, single, older woman, co-worker about what I had done for Valentine’s Day with my husband which was not much because…REALLY everyone knows it is one of those holidays that is just there to make everyone feel like losers—like New Year’s Eve. Millions of desperate people looking for the one good time on that one night of the year. You can cut the angst with a knife. The same goes for Valentine’s Day.

The older woman said to me in a serious voice: “ you know…with marriage—You really have to WORK at it.” I looked at her for a split second before we both dissolved into a school girl giggles. This is when she pulled up the study on happiness and marriage. Apparently single women are the happiest, followed by married men, then single men and then married women. “ Interesting” I said. I normally question studies because I am like that—annoying. But this one seemed to ring true in my gut.

There is an inordinately large body of work designed to tell women how to make men happy….from marriage books, to so called women’s magazines which are all about how to please your man—what to cook for him, how to dress for him, what to do in bed…for him. I, of course, blame THE MEDIA for selling this mind set and women for buying this huge load of crap. Not that I am an expert, but you don’t see magazines for men on how to treat women well. Do you?

I have been around the block…so to speak and I can guarantee you—men are pretty happy furry creatures to begin with. They don’t need a lot of care and feeding—they just want you to stop asking them if your butt looks big—because then they have to think. My advice, not that anyone asked, is to have fun—men will come along for the ride. No instructions needed.

Married to Dopey? Welcome to the Club

“Please.... You should know better than to talk to a father” The annoyed mother scolded after I tried and failed to get information on a school event from her poor clueless husband.

I married a very smart man—he is a brilliant designer, wonderful father, great cook, great sense of humor and he has many other talents I will not go into for fear these heartless suburban women might try to steal him away from me...BUT regardless of these beautiful traits and superb skills—the man is dope.

But, really, it is not just my man--ALL men are dopey. It is the condition of being a man. A lot of women feel they put on this act of being dopey...but really—NO. Men just are dopey and there is no point beating yourself up about it, or for that matter, your husband.

As Ms. PR will tell you—Men” Need Constant Direction” and yet they fight it. They argue and they moan that you are nagging them, but god forbid if you don’t give them direction it is your fault for not telling them that:
The child IS going into kindergarten next week...YES--the “graduation” from preschool a few months ago was a clue that I thought I did not have to elucidate on and NO—we cannot postpone the first day so you can take off work to take photos.
Yes—Christmas is tomorrow and NO—I did not get your family presents.
Well...YES you do need your passport to go to Paris and NO—I cannot get it for you.

My husband and I have had many conversations like this because I lack the skills of a long married woman. Just like grandmothers know how to quiet a screeching baby with nothing more than a soft sound and gentle rock—being married is a skill that requires practice, patience and honing.

Ms. PR uses a lot of different techniques to give her husband direction, mostly involving flattering (while I am there) but I am sure she escalates it to all out niceness and perhaps even sexual favors once I am gone. Regardless—whatever she is doing—she is doing it well. The man happily listens to instructions that most often start with “Darling...I am sure you are already aware, but the child will be attending kindergarten for the first time tomorrow—perhaps we could drop her off together...in the morning...once you shave and dress like an adult” Thus giving him the benefit of the doubt (regardless of the deer in the headlight look on his face) that he is aware, but she is just filling him in to make small-talk.

Of course, Ms. PR is a special case and her years of training in PR have given her an ability to remain calm whereas I sink into unhelpful sarcasms at the first quizzical look on his face when he hears about his mother’s birthday party....at our house OR our wedding anniversary... But I have been trying. My technique, for those who are severely limited by a mean streak of humor, is e-mail. There is no need to maintain a straight-face while writing an e-mail and you can re-read the note a few times to check for any hints of derision.