Parent-Teacher Conferences

It is that time of year again—the Parent-Teacher Conference— so I asked my favorite teacher-friend. Ms. Seize the Moment, for some tips for a successful meeting.

TEN Tips (plus one) from a Real Elementary School Teacher

1. Don’t make excuses for your child—you know if your kid is a lazy little loafer and the teacher knows too. Admit it and ask for help. The teacher has dealt with lazy little loafers for years and she can help you.

2. Don’t threaten the teacher if she calls to let you know your child is not doing his/her homework—this is her way of showing you that she is paying attention to your child—unlike you.

3. The Parent-Teacher conference is actually about THE CHILD, not you. Although “Child” is not included in the title of the meeting, it is implied. Please stop talking about YOUR busy life because you are just enlightening the teacher as to why your child is having such a problem with social skills.

4. Do not send love notes to male teachers—it is just wrong…wrong and creepy—plus he shows the notes to the female teachers and you know how heartless those women can be.

5. The same goes for partially nude photos of yourself…. (Yes—these tips are here for a reason—not everyone seems to know these little social graces)

6. Do not fight, insult or in any manner disrespect your spouse during a Parent-Teacher conference—this is NOT a reality show, this is your life and the teacher does not really care what you think about one another because she has already formulated the opinion you are both selfish jerks for not even being able to hold it together at their kid’s school.

7. Please do not defend your child’s BAD, BAD MANNERS—if the teacher is bringing it up—it is not just to make polite conversation—again—do not make excuses such as boys-will-be-boys or she is too young to understand. The teacher works with children the exact same age as your child everyday and probably has done so for years—she knows better than you do what is age and gender appropriate for your child. Obviously your kid is missing the mark and it time for you to step-up to the plate as a parent. Have you heard of words “consequences” and “following through?”

8. When the teacher asks you to read more with your child—this is not your queue to go out and buy the child “educational video games” or any other game…she really means—open a book with your kid and read.

9. The teacher knows that TV is often a parents lifeline, but for god sakes turn the damn thing off once and while and take your kid to the library, a museum, a hike in the woods. When parents engage their child in outside activities it shows.

10. Do not talk bad about other parents or kids unless there is something dangerous that the teacher REALLY needs to know—like Billy’s father has a problem with the zipper on his pants when he is around little girls or little Katlyn has formed a S & M club in the girls bathroom—then and only then is the teacher interested in hearing your story. All other opinions—please keep to yourself.

11. Being on the PTA or School Board does not entitle your child to Prince or Princess status—just keep that in mind and please stop mentioning your associations during the Parent-Teacher meeting. The teacher is more than aware of who is on the PTA/School Board.

The Mommy Cliques

I hate cliques.

I managed to successfully avoid cliques in high school by rarely attending classes and when I was there--my group of friends was so small and so scattered among the cliques I never really had a chance to belonged to any one group.

But NOW I have a deep, dark secret—I am part of a Mommy Clique. Don’t pretend that you are a not. Anyone with a child and a job HAS to join one, there is no way around it once the child is in school and doing “afterschool activities.”

The pre-school mommy cliques are completely different than public school because you can predefine who you are by the pre-school your choose. If you send your child to some touchy-feely German preschool where the child just runs wild all day long, sings semi-pagan songs, piles onto one futon with the other kids for a nap, where closing the bathroom door is optional AND where parents are served mulled wine at school plays --chances are there are just two cliques of mommies—the ones lining up for the mulled wine and then the OTHER mommies who are desperately looking for another pre-school because they thought this little school had a “German immersion program.”

Public school brings on a whole different set of issues. You are thrown, once again, into the larger spectrum of society (just like in high school) and you must reassess where you, and now your child, belong in the social mix.

We all know the cliques, but I will list the most common ones and its high school equivalent for easy of identification.

The PTA mommy clique (Cheerleaders)
The non-PTA, but volunteer a lot mommy clique (Flag-twirlers)
The popular mommy clique (the pretty smart girls who are going to good private colleges)
The stay at home mommy clique (the greaser girls)
The crunchy super organic mommies (the camping/ Grateful Dead listening girls)
The super-smart mommy clique (you know—they got 800s on the SATs...)
The artsy mommy clique ( the music/art freaks and geeks)

Of course, being a Lazy Mom rules out entrance to many of the mommy cliques.

The PTAing and Volunteering mom cliques—I am FAR too lazy.

My economic and intellectual needs rule out the stay at home mom clique.

The popular mommy clique—they breed popular daughters and The Beast feels the popular girls are mean and “are really just afraid of losing their BFFs.” The Beast is far nicer and far more socially aware then I am--so I generally go with her opinion and steer clear of the popular moms—because I would hate to displace a BFF and get in an ubermom’s firing line. Because e-mail CAN be an ugly thing.

The crunchy moms are SO NICE, but again—our own personal short comings get in the way...we love red meat, red wine...plus I am a firm believer in vaccinating children and using antibiotics appropriately....need I say more.

The smarts moms—they are so busy and so good--makes me tired just thinking about them. We liked the idea of the science fair and the Beast and her friend thought of many creative exhibits to build... such as the bowel model that farts etc...and even went to museums for further inspiration, but when it came time for the research bit....

So...that leaves us with the Artsy Mom Clique—which is just fine...slightly kooky, crunchy, smart and willing to carpool at the drop of a hat.

Mulled wine anyone?

The Secret Lives of Mothers

You have no idea what is seething underneath the surface of your average PTA mom. Now I know this might seem unbelievable, but trust me...you are sitting next to women with REAL secrets and I am not talking about lapsing at Weight Watchers or lingering too long over the Sexist Men Alive issue of People Magazine. I am talking jaw dropping secrets.



“Oh, of course, they know I was a dominatrix .” she said to her very downtown looking friends. The thin, very well-preserved, 40-something, black clad crowd looked over at us as we sat in a to-die-for townhouse in Chelsea...drinking...of course.

My husband with amused interest glanced over at me...I shrugged my shoulders—who would have known? It is not like she is the best disciplinarian with her kids. I thought she was taking poetic license since she is writer, but apparently she really was in the East Village Punk mix of the 80s and being a dominatrix was her shtick.

I first met her sitting on a beach in Fire Island. We ended up building sand castles with our kids and sharing many bottles of wine. Having kids, and drinking, dulls the senses so I could not put together all the stories she was telling me...they were mixed in with her tales of divorce and her move out of New York state completely etc.

Three years later and a few more vacations together—I never really made the connection between her short stories and her real life....well until that evening in the Chelsea for the book party for Legs McNeil.

I was not particularly shocked, just jealous.

I have met A LOT of moms who seem just like...well...moms...and then over coffee or while watching kids in the gymnastics studio, secrets spontaneously come out...like.... “I remember when I was a pole dancer...” or “I would definitely be a lesbian if women were not so sensitive.” or “once I was going with a 60 year old man and an 19 year old boy—it was amazing.”

I think it is the sheer boredom of motherhood...there are stretches of time when you are forced to do nothing but watch small children run around and to make the time go more quickly we tell stories.

It is odd, I felt I said YES to about any experience presented to me in my younger years. That affirming habit lead me on adventures around the world, but nothing close to what these moms obviously embarked on pre-marriage.

After the dominatrix incident I went to my friend, Ms. Leather-Pants,--”Just tell me now about your wild pre-mom life.” I demanded. Because really...if any of my friends seemed to be likely candidates for deviant sexual behavior it would be Ms. Leather-Pants and Mr. Ball Gag, but she just looked at me and said:
“You know, we got married SO young...that ruled out a lot of out of the ordinary conduct”

So it just goes to show—you NEVER know.