Mountains of Flesh

I feel myself sinking into my normal winter sloth…a hibernation really. The only thing I want to eat is pasta. Red wine is my only other desire. I don’t know why I obsess about my weight in the winter when the my body is swathed in layers of cloth rather than during the warm months when there is far more flesh exposed…I think it is all those New Year’s Resolutions

My normal passion of walking in the city is stymied by unforgiving weather. I, instead, am reduced to wandering the hallways of the university like some forlorn and chubby ghost.

I attempt to pull myself out of these winter doldrums by taking out my barely used yoga mat and exercise DVD and following instructions of some overly perky woman with tiny, bizarrely rippling, stomach muscles. Together we bounce through seemingly pointless exercises….SEEMINGLY until the following morning when I realize exactly where all those little tiny muscles are on MY stomach.

This mind-numbing torture goes on for several days until the morning I wake up late and the following morning when I realize I would really rather have another cup of coffee than an earful of “1, 2, 3, 4—inhale, exhale…GOOD JOB. “

This is my downfall…because once I miss a few days—really—what’s the point of continuing during the week—I can make the rest up during weekend when I will have PLENTLY of time…of course on the weekend—the couch beckons like an old boyfriend I know is no good for me. And I fall and the cats and The Beast fall with me. We all lie on the couch like bears in the den—waiting and weighting for the winter to end.

Wednesday Weigh-In

The winner is…(Drum roll):
Ms. HR and Ms. Smarty-Pants Scientist
They tied—both reduced their BMI by 1.5.
CONGRATULATIONS! A really, really cool prize is on its way to you…as soon as I figure out what it is…

And perhaps they are thinking it is just sour grapes on our part, but the rest of us…me and my one pound/.2 BMI reduction and the others from the Sloth Club feel that we need a different method—so the new diet challenge beginning TODAY is percentage body weight. Send your weight to me at lazymomcafe@gmail.com. The competition will end June 10th giving us 4 months to recreate that perfect body.

Slug Fest Sunday

It is freezing. The ONLY things I want to eat are pasta, bread and red wine. Although I have logged many miles walking at the mall and around town--I have not unrolled by yoga mat all week. Ahhh.
I did, however, read a fun book called the Urban Hermit by Sam MacDonald. It is a “memoir” of a Yale grad who spent all his money drinking and eating and ended up 100 pounds overweight and in debt. His solution to his weight and money problem was funny, effective and life transforming. Check it out. They have it at the local library.

Fitness Friday--5 Weight Loss Tips from Ms. PR.

Hey Slimming Slackers,

Since I did NOT get ONE diet tip from ANYONE …the prize will not be awarded.

Here are some tips from the ALREADY slender MS. PR to keep us going….
1) Don’t be afraid to throw food away—especially bad food. True—we hate to waste, but REALLY putting extra pounds on your thighs is NOT saving the planet. If you find that you can get by with just eating half your breakfast sandwich—give the other half away. Or if you feel you need the protein of the egg—just toss the top half of the roll—you still have all the taste and protein minus 100 calories of bun. The same goes for desserts—offer to share or just toss half.

2) Take snacks with you. If you are organized and have a modicum of self-control--bag a few small fun snacks to have with you at all times so you will not be tempted to run into Starbucks and get that 5,000 calorie chocolate, caramel, nut cookie bar to go with your skim milk latte. OR, if need be--Buy those little snack packs—sure they are bad for the environment, but when you lose weight—you will be helping the earth by taking up less room.

3) Don’t hesitate to take the stairs—it will give you exercise and make you look energetic and young, plus there is that added calorie burn.

4) If you find yourself eating something that you do not TRULY enjoy with all your heart—stop immediately. Put down that left over toast from your child’s breakfast, that store bought cookie that some evil person left on your desk. Only eat truly enjoyable calories.

5) Remember—denial is a bad thing—limit food, but don’t deny yourself pleasures. Make a list of non-negotiable food that you cannot give up. For me this would be coffee, with whole milk and sugar, good bread and red wine. I just need to adjust my food intake accordingly—so I only drink coffee during the day and have a huge dinner.

Next week’s challenge—send in your favorite exercise tips…

Prize for next week—exercise DVD by Jullian Michaels “Trouble Zones” She has some wonderful butt and ab exercises!

The Competition is ON!

Although we are already beautiful—OF COURSE--We are all going to be trim and in shape in a few months!

The contestants are Proud Procrastinator, Ms. Seize the Moment, Ms. Smarty-Pants-Scientist, Ms. HR and…ME.

Ms. PR , who is actually proud and happy with her current weight has offered give us some tips. So thoughtful of her…

Ms. Smarty-Pants Scientist wants to come up with a different formula than the percentage body weight thing… so I told her to send us the formula to plug in the numbers—because frankly, just figuring out my percentage body weight was a challenge. (I AM the mom who started looking for a math tutor for my daughter in 4th grade because the math homework was already too hard for me. )

Just about everyone is already on the fast track to losing weight. Ms. HR is on a VERY calorie restrictive diet and is walking A LOT. Ms. Smarty-Pants Scientist has been doing all sorts of training. I think Proud Procrastinator is jogging. Ms. Seize the Moment and I seem to be the only slackers/whiners.

Last chance to join. The first prize I am giving away on Friday…or maybe Saturday will be a copy of Get Your Body Back: Lose Weight, Gain Energy, and Get Fit After Having Your Baby By Anita Weil Bell

Fitness Friday!

Okay—I was going to call it something else—something less positive, but I have been reading books about being more positive and being less sarcastic—so I have been basically mute the last few days in order to practice this new: if you have nothing NICE to say, say nothing at all.

The gantlet has been thrown down by the Proud Procrastinator and Ms. Seize the Moment, who is SO competitive I cannot take yoga classes with her any more, is up for the challenge. Who else wants to join?!

The Challenge: Who ever loses the largest percent of their body weight by the end of January WINS! What exactly is the prize…I am not sure…but something really, really fun. AND we will have weekly prizes too.
As an example:
I am hoping to lose 10% of my bodyweight—which if I did the math correctly would be 14 pounds—but frankly—I would be happy with 5%.
So…if you are up for the challenge—e-mail me at lazymomcafe@gmail.com.

I do have to warn you…Ms. Seize the Moment is very competitive. She has been known to “accidently” push skinny little vegan women from their perfect “downward squatting dog” poses in yoga class. So if you find there is a rash of mistake pizza deliveries to your house…you need look no further.

Don't Put This On Your Blog!!!

“Don’t put this in your blog!” were the first words I heard when I picked up my phone messages. Of course, I have been trying to think of a blog title ever since. The breathy message went on....”the doctor said I have to lose 30 pounds!!!! 30 POUNDS!!! I mean it—don’t put this in your blog! If you do--I will KILL you...”

I don’t know about you, but I had always been rather thin, as was Ms 30-Extra-Pounds. Not rail thin, but within the 2-4 jean size thin. I almost had a melt down when I hit 130 when I was pregnant. Now I would be happy to ever see 130 again. 130 is like ancient history now and for some reason this history seems not to be repeating itself.

It happened slowly, people warned me it would, but I did not listen to those old fat people. In my youth I could eat two slices of pizza and wash it down with a pitcher of beer and have no ill effects except perhaps a new boyfriend. Occasionally, if I were going to the beach—the week before I would do some sit-ups to get my stomach flatter, but never did I think to jump on a Stairmaster or diet....pleassseee.

Even now the idea of going to the gym with all those big sweaty women on the Elliptical machines horrifies me. Obviously THAT machine is not working. Or dieting—have you seen the people who are at the “salad bars?” The people lumbering into those Weight Watchers meetings? What could be worse than listening to other fat people talk about their failures. But I NEED help so true to form—I choose my local library to assist me with my weight problem.

My friend with her extra 30 pounds, who will soon be knocking down my door in a Mafioso style hit, decided to go the same route with Skinny Bitch/ a no-nonsense, tough-love guide for savvy girls who want to stop eating crap and start looking fabulous! by Rory Freedman and Kim Barnouin for her inspiration. I felt the title was way too long and it didn’t sound fun enough for me—especially the giving up meat and coffee part.

Instead I looked to the French for inspiration....they are thin, they are sexy and they drink red wine and coffee—two of my staples...you don’t see French women sweating or talking about “baked” potato chips. So yesterday when I took The Beast for her weekly library fix. I checked out Mireille Guiliano's French Women Don't Get Fat.

I just love it and if I manage to get rid of my back fat—I will let everyone know…it is 3 month ”recalibration of your eating habits”—so check back at the end of January and I will let you know if it works.

Off to get red wine!