5 Essential Party Planning Tips

It is that time of year—The Beast’s birthday MONTH…because in this family we celebrate the ENTIRE month.

Now that the child is older I was hoping to get away from the big home parties, but the child hates to leave friends out—so once again we had a house full of screaming, giggling girls and one husband constantly saying: “SHHHHH.” It is a sad battle, but one that seems inevitable.

As a public service to newer mothers I have compiled some essential tips for a perfect home party—just follow these simple rules:

1. Pick a Theme
o A theme will help you and YOUR child focus. (Sweetheart, put down that troll, we can do a troll party next year, this year is your Beautiful Butterfly Birthday party...don’t you want to wear those beautiful butterflies wings we just bought you?) The child re-focuses and you are saved countless dollars.
o Once you have a theme—there is no need to go to one of those expensive party stores. Dollar stores, Target clearance shelves, on-line cheap-o-party stuff...spend enough to get free shipping and use any money left over for alcohol for parents.

2. Invite with Care
o Nothing ruins a party faster than a brat. Generally by age three the brats and their oblivious parents have been clearly identified via various nursery school functions or other peoples parties.
o I have never been a supporter of inviting the whole class or all the girls or all the boys.
o We all know there are some kids who are better at parties than others. You may love little Betsy who reads constantly and you should invite her, but remember to invite the fun, high energy kids...you know who they are and you should invite at least two. And the bonus is that their parents tend to be fun too.

3. Do NOT Try to be Too Creative
o Now is NOT the time to be Martha Stewart. The kids will not appreciate it and the other parents will just hate you for it. It is a lose-lose situation.
 Buy a cake—do not make cute themed cupcakes.
 Buy cheap decorations—do not paint murals on Kraft paper and hang them up...you will just embarrass your child.

4. Have Grown-up Refreshments
o Nothing is more appreciated by parents at a party full of wild, screaming kids than a beer or a glass of wine.
o Cheeze Doodles are fine for children, but spring for some cheese and crackers for the adults or something to go with the beer.

5. Buy Decorations that will Double as Prizes or Giveaways at the End of the Party
o Let’s be honest, by the end of the party you will never want to see another butterfly, dinosaur, monkey etc. Give those inflatable dinosaurs, absurdly large flowers, and coconut shaped cups away—I promise you. You will never use them again.

This year’s theme—A Literary Masquerade Ball where all the girls came as their favorite fictional character. We had Alice in Wonderland, the Queen of Hearts, Olivia the Pig, Eloise at the Plaza, PipPi Longstocking, Tom Sawyer, two T.S. Elliott Cats, Ralph from UP, several characters from present day novels, King Tut and the Beast was Artemis , goddess of the hunt and protector of maidens. Way to Go Artemis!

A good time was had by all. No brats, no fights, just happy children and happy wine drinking adults.

Reading Camp

“I’m thinking READING CAMP.” Said Ms. Seize the Moment in a hushed, anxious tone during one of those motherhood insecurity phases before you stop reading those idiotic child rearing books that list baby/toddler milestones.

“I am thinking that you better start sharing whatever drugs you are taking.”I said with all the sympathy of a NYC Policeman.

“What? You don’t think reading camp is a good idea?” she said in sheer disbelief.

“Sweetheart—the girls are three. No one wants a little egghead reading War and Peace at four…except perhaps my brother. It just isn’t right. I am happy that The Beast has stopped gnawing on her board books. “

“Okay…okay—how about private swimming lessons at a hotel pool in New Jersey?”

“Back to my first point about the drugs--really—what have you been taking? Please go back to Feng Shui-ing your house…because some energy must be lodged in the crazy zone of your home….maybe a crystal or wind chime will release it.”

I don’t know about anyone else, but I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting like it was a Steven King novel so when someone gave me What to Expect: The First Year I tossed it. And What to Expect: The Toddler Years….please…like you don’t get ENOUGH advice when you have a kid.

Honestly—when getting gifts for new mothers—think wine or hard liquor.

Lazy Mom tips for Saving

Let’s be honest...clipping coupons has its joys, but when it comes right down to it, who is THAT organized to figure out what is on sale and what is the correct product for the coupon...”oh...sorry you need to buy the cheese injected hot dogs to get 75 cents off.” I mean Honestly...like we have time to figure out only the “pleated” Ziplock bags qualify for the discount...I am proud of myself for picking up the right brand—who knew HOW many companies make ziplock bags...but call them something else...

In an effort to help fellow moms deal with the recession, sans coupons, I have come up with helpful money saving tips for lazy moms that I will be sharing over the next few weeks.
Here is one:
Saving Tip #67--Buy in bulk.
Especially wine. Always buy wine by the case. They normally give you a 10-20% discount. Ignore the looks the clerks give you.
True...one tends to go through wine faster if you have a stock in your basement, but in these hard economic times—what else can one do but cheerfully forge on.

What Kind of Mother Are You?

There seems to be a fair amount of confusion over the mommy classifications from one of my older posts...and as I mentioned earlier the list is not exhaustive and of course there are degrees and permutations of different mommy types as Ms. PR pointed out...such as the Lazy/Selfish Mom which is a branch of the just plain LazyMom. So here are a few common behaviors of various moms to help you decide YOUR true category.

Telltale Behavior #1--School

• If you have ever sent a permission slip, homework, test etc back to your kid's school with your signature AND a circular red wine stain on the paper: LazyMom

• If you have ever covered a circular red wine stain on a permission slip with white-out: SuperMom

• If you are horrified by the fact that someone could actually get a wine stain on anything: UberMom

Telltale Behavior #2--Vacations

• If you have ever found yourself booking a family trip to Venice rather than Disneyland because—we can always PhotoShop Mickey into a baby picture and tell her she went to Disneyland..that she just does not remember because she was so young: LazyMom

• If you have ever gone to Disneyland and have taken some poor neighbor’s child who has never been because she has a LazyMom who prefers Europe: SuperMom

• If you have a time-share in Disneyland for the next five years so your children can benefit from the joys of American culture: UberMom

Telltale Behavior #3--Health

• If you have ever dosed your child with cold medicine and sent her off to pre-school because—”please, it is not like you’ll get a refund when your kid is absent due to the sniffles and she probably got it from some snotty nosed kid there anyway.”: LazyMom

• If you ever noticed your child had a slight fever, called the pre-school to warn other parents and sent out e-mails to all play-dates that week that your child might be coming down with a virus and they should keep an eye on their child for signs of illness...: SuperMom

• If you ever noticed your child was just not herself, called your holistic pediatrician for some herbal remedy, kept the child home from pre-school and baked cookies with her: UberMom

Telltale Behavior #4—knowledge

• If your child knows how to pour a glass of wine...perfectly: LazyMom

• If your child knows Obama’s positions on public education: SuperMom

• If child knows all her grades will be "As" because you volunteered for every possible event at the school: UberMom

Telltale Behavior #5--Parties

• If your child’s birthday party always includes a case of wine and a case of beer for the parents: LazyMom

• If your child’s birthday party always includes an educational theme: SuperMom

• If your child’s birthday always includes some paid entertainment such as a clown, petting zoo, etc.: UberMom

Telltale Behavior #6— Leisure time

• If your idea of a good time is a pitcher of Sangria or martinis with your husband in the backyard while the child plays quietly with friends: LazyMom

• If your idea of a good time is a trip to someplace educational with the family: SuperMom

• What leisure time? Who has time for leisure?: UberMom

Feel free to add your own behavioral observations...there will be a prize for the best one in each classification and extra points for new variations.