The Smile

The Beast and I always get smiles from people when we walk into town. We look friendly and happy and why not smile at us—right? But the other day we were walking back from town chattering away and there was a man walking toward us and he was smiling…not at me, not at us, but at The Boobs.

The boobs that just appeared out of nowhere just before the summer. OMG The Beast has no idea of the power--she just seems to view them as another accessory to fill out her clothes. She, and her friends, seem to have none of the shyness that I felt when my body changed—she just sees it as new fashion possibility.

I stare at this man—he is old. Older than I am. A lot older. He is still looking. The Beast, again, does not have a clue. I click my fingers to dislodge his eyes from my daughter’s twelve year chest. He glances up. I catch his eye. “ TWELVE” I say.

He averts his eyes and immediately turns red.

What can a mother do? There will be days, and soon, when I will not be there to be the bitch to the leering pig.

Piggy Kids

“Look at all those fat children!” the mom next to me said, just a little too loudly in a clipped English accent, as I watched my six year Beast belt out It is a Small World After All at one of those conveniently timed middle-of-the-day school concerts.

Turning to my opinionated, and foreign, friend I said: “um...just an idea...those fat kids probably have moms in the audience...perhaps even next to us...and numerous studies have shown that fat kids come from fat parents...so....chances are—they will be bigger than us and angry at us”

But the woman was right...I would say a quarter of the kids were FAT. Not chubby or pleasingly plump, but really uncomfortably pudgy.

I might have mentioned before—I live in an artsy-fartsy town and god forbid a child is criticized for ANYTHING. However, I feel it is important to let children know if they are acting inappropriately. My parents are/were from Boston and in Massachusetts it is common to hear a parent yell out to a child, in public-- “Don’t be stupid!” or after a kid has done something stupid...like breaking her arm to say: “Oh! That was clever! That was using your brain.” Which...I still feel is just fine. But heaven help you if you even have a stern voice when the kid is almost run over by a car in this town....The Child Welfare Office will be notified and the SWAT team for Child Self Esteem will charge in.

It is true that my daughter pretends not to be with me in museums because...honestly if the parents are not going to control their kids in public someone has to...so I turn into what my brother refers to as—Nazi Mom.

At one of the Beast’s birthday party I was almost stoned by a group of sensitive mothers when I was in my Nazi Mom mode and said to child guest: “Emily! Don’t be piggy! “ and slapped away the chubby little hand as it reached across the smaller pieces of pizza to grab its third large slice. Three mom heads bobbed up from various locations at the table full of kids with horror in there eyes. In an attempt to cover my faux pas I said: “remember—we still have cake.” But REALLY—the child understood—She WAS being piggy. Kids need to know there are boundaries and parents are here to let them know NOT TO BE PIGGY.

What Cartoon Character are You?

I just came back from a short workshop on how to interview people...mainly for focus groups...it turns out...but it was interesting none the less. A few of the intro type questions you pose to people to get them comfortable and thinking and perhaps give you a little insight in to the subject are questions like: “What type of shoe would you be? “ or “Are you an Ernie or a Bert?” or “ What cartoon character would you be?” It was odd when the woman posed the cartoon question I immediate thought—"I am Linus." Which is odd...because I am not even that fond of Charlie Brown and frankly...I would much rather be Lucy or Peppermint Patty.
Of course the REAL trick for using this “technique” is get the interviewee to say WHY they feel that they are this like this cartoon character...I guess for me it is the need for comfort—love the blanket accessory, I am the youngest in my family but sometimes have the feeling that I am the calmest in the clan, and I am passionate about things that not everyone else has faith in...
So what cartoon character are YOU?
Snowy? Tin Tin? Totoro? Dill Pickles? Veronica? Fred Flintstone? Marcy?

Lazy Mom tips for Saving

Let’s be honest...clipping coupons has its joys, but when it comes right down to it, who is THAT organized to figure out what is on sale and what is the correct product for the coupon...”oh...sorry you need to buy the cheese injected hot dogs to get 75 cents off.” I mean Honestly...like we have time to figure out only the “pleated” Ziplock bags qualify for the discount...I am proud of myself for picking up the right brand—who knew HOW many companies make ziplock bags...but call them something else...

In an effort to help fellow moms deal with the recession, sans coupons, I have come up with helpful money saving tips for lazy moms that I will be sharing over the next few weeks.
Here is one:
Saving Tip #67--Buy in bulk.
Especially wine. Always buy wine by the case. They normally give you a 10-20% discount. Ignore the looks the clerks give you.
True...one tends to go through wine faster if you have a stock in your basement, but in these hard economic times—what else can one do but cheerfully forge on.

Divorce--Just Say No

Is it a surprise to any wife that a man will announce he plans to do something and then not lift a finger?
I think this is the reasoning behind many women’s annoyance with the OTHER WOMAN rather than their own cheating husbands when the husband announces that he wants a divorce. Because wives KNOW without the other woman doing the work, the man would just lie on the couch at home and just complain.

My friends and I were talking about The Modern Love piece, “Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear“ by Laura A. Munson in the New York Times several weeks ago. Her husband announced that he wanted out of the marriage, but she just kept on telling him that she “didn’t buy it.” Apparently a lot of people felt she was brave or a doormat or both, but my take is...I am not sure. I am not sure how I would feel. I don’t think I could contain my rage. However, she obviously wanted to save the marriage and knew in her gut that by not doing anything—nothing would get done. Because one must remember—”men need CONSTANT direction.” Because if you are not flying into a rage and ringing up a divorce lawyer.... Do you think Mr. Dopey is going to do it?

Of course I cannot help but go back to the wise Ms. PR who has told her husband many a time “Darling, I can see myself as a widow, but never a divorcee—just a tip.”