Sunday, April 26, 2009

How to Avoid Carpool Nazis

We all know it takes a village to raise a kid...actually what it REALLY takes is a tight-knit group of friends who work together like generals on a battlefield to coordinate the tactical movements of the troops...I mean the carpooling of the kids to the endless activities in the suburbs.

Of course there are always some insurgents when it comes to carpooling—they are called the Executive Ubermoms. True to the popular, mean girls they probably were back in the good old high school days they speak to non-ubermoms only AFTER they have exhausted their elite unit of freundlins.

You can tell when they are ready to see them you...not past you at some other highly successful, business suited mommy, BUT right at YOU. If you are not someone who can say “NO” in a VERY straight-forward way—leave immediately and avoid all eye-contact on your way to the door—the Executive Ubermom wants something from you—a CARPOOLING agreement.

Of course, I am a LazyMom and feel that if we have never shared a glass of wine together you can be damn sure I am not going to be driving your little brat ANYWHERE. But so many of my friends are, thankfully, Supermoms and they are SO NICE. They cannot deflect the advances of the cold, calculating strategist and like the French Resistance—the Supermoms crumbles under the Nazis Car Pool “Coordinators”...

Be constantly aware--one might goose-step up behind you in her high-heels and you turn to see a false smile plastered on a perfectly foundation laden face and just as you are trying to figure out if Botox is the reason for the lack of wrinkles or the thickness of make-up layers...she drops the bomb...before you even have a chance to planned an exit strategy— “We are both SO busy and wouldn’t it be easier [for me] if we could work out a carpool arrangement since we live so close together?”

There are many answers to this request, but here are a few to memorize and have at the ready the next time you hear the click-click-click of little professional high-heels behind you on the linoleum school floor:
  • “I am NOT busy, I don’t need your help—Thanks SO MUCH for your concern.” Then turn quickly away.
  • “Actually your house IS out of the way for me.”
  • “I would rather have splinters shoved under my fingernails.”
  • “of course... and just to let you know, in case you have heard—we have contained our bedbug infestation.”
  • “Oh, my license has been suspended for drunk driving—Are you okay with that? “

So remember—the best defensive is a good offense.

1 comment:

JGH said...

Now this is surprising! I would think a lazymom would love carpools. Why should everyone get up early on Saturday morning and rush out to baseball practice?
But I know what you're saying about the sharing of wine. We're lucky if we get a wave from the doorway -- an offer of a refreshment when we drop off is practically unheard of.

I've found that I do get to eavesdrop on some good kid conversations when driving a carpool. Parents aren't the only ones who gossip!!