Mommy's Favorite Food

Pregnancy starts the process of public humiliation for mothers...people gawking at you, perfect strangers wanting to rub your body, telling you their opinion of how you should raise the fetus and the whole birth process...oh my god. I don’t care what people say—it is NOT beautiful.


But it took me a few years of being a mother before it really dawned on me that the embarrassment will never stop and you just have to go with the flow.
I think my first inkling of this new reality was when I went to fetch The Beast at the little German preschool many years ago. I was greeted by two beautiful German “assistant teachers” that the head mistress of the school imported each year to ensure full father participation in school activities. The annoyingly perky girls said the children were making books about their families and each child answered questions and the German girls wrote down the responses to go with the child’s pictures...But they were having a hard time, so to speak, with what my daughter described as my “favorite food.” “

They said with their slight, sexy German accents, ”Guess...guess vat she said YOUR favorite food vas?”

I said, “I cannot imagine since I have only been drinking coffee and beer since the day we brought the little monster home from the hospital....as far as I can remember...”

They smiled again with their perfect white teeth and eager Teutonic faces and asked The Beast to come over--”tell us again vat your mommy’s favorite food is.”

“PENIS!” The Beast announced triumphantly...of course...this was just the beginning of many, many explanations to come...

I told the hysterical girls...that although penis is always a treat, the child is actually trying to say GUINNESS. Guinness....which is, indeed, Mommy’s favorite drink/food.

Such a smart little girl, but pronunciation is not her strong suit.