Thursday, February 5, 2009

What is YOUR Reality Show?

It all started with Ms. it often does.... She had actually contemplated writing to Extreme Home Make-Over a few years ago because their wonderful little cottage that overlooked the Hudson River was too small for her six foot something husband and their One Perfect Daughter (they had, at the last minute, decided to try out parenthood because all their friends were doing it...well not JUST doing it...but doing it to have a kid). She felt they had a case— “It is REALLY uncomfortable and so difficult to get intimate because the walls are so thin...and...I am just not ready to explain sex to the child yet.”

“Okay” I said—”you are the PR professional, but just remember your need to scream out in passion will be judge against families who have kids without limbs and skin diseases so serious that they cannot see the sun. Although I am sure some of the judges will be sympathetic to your ‘plight’—they will realize that middle America will probably NOT be.”

Ms. PR canned the idea of going on Extreme Home Makeover, but it got me thinking—what reality show could we be on? The Husband, The Beast and I CAN be charming, if we try, and we are not half bad looking...and we would love a little extra money, a new wardrobe, a trip...So I thought...

The Amazing Race—We love to travel, but we can barely get to the airport when we plan ahead for weeks. And, of course, once there...there is something SO romantic about airport bars—in a cheap, tawdry sort of way—we often get distracted just before the flight...although—we have never missed a flight.

The Biggest Losers—Sometimes I feel the need to diet, but my husband feels he is perfect in every way and why tamper with perfection. Yes—he is somewhat difficult to live with.

Super Nanny—the Beast can get an attitude sometimes—and she even slammed her bedroom door once. Yet, I am not sure if we have enough drama for good TV.

Bridezilla—too late.

What Not to Wear—The Beast and I ALWAYS like the BEFORE picture rather than the AFTER picture....and the Husband cannot believe we are watching such drivel to begin with.

Then there are all those freakishly large family reality shows (to which I credit the recent octuplet birth by the mom who already had six kids—I mean really—what was that poor woman thinking? If she was thinking at all—it was probably fame and fortune on the cable channels.)

Kate and Jon plus Eight— pleasssseee....I could barely handle a pregnancy with one fetus—I was screaming “Induce ME! Induce ME!” at my gynecologist when I was three months away from my delivery date.

The Christian Family that just keeps popping them out one at time--I think they are up to 18 kids know we don’t do religion and we definitely don’t do childREN.

We thought perhaps we should just create our own show—a family travel show for parents who like to drink (a lot) and who enjoy lingering over long European meals. We could have tips:

How to stop that incessant whining by the exhausted child--power bar and cappuccino .
How to keep the child entertained during the 3 hour dinner--i-Touch (worth every penny).
How to leave the child in Piazza San Marco's and go have a bottle of wine with your sweetheart--bag of cracked corn from the local grocery store, outdoor café with a view of the square—sit back and watch while the child is happily attacked by filthy pigeons.

And I know what you you are thinking—there is not enough drama for a reality show—but THERE IS—in Venice we could not find a good restaurant for the life of us. We scoured the city for DAYS. Talk about the HORROR! Thank god for the wine bars....
In Paris we could not believe that restaurants closed SO EARLY....what happened to the idea of the late European meal.

So please write to the cable channels and tell them of your desire for a Lazy Mom Plus Two Travel Show.

What is your reality show?


JGH said...

It's gotta be WIFE SWAP - in fact we sometimes try to figure out what type of family we'd be paired with - the clean fanatics, health food nazis (or raw meat eaters)the pampered sex kitten manicure mom, dirt-bike obsessed husband....etc. Somehow I don't think we're more normal than any of them, though!

Did you seen that "On the Road" show where Mario Batali and Mark Bittman went to Europe with Gwenyth Paltrow. It was annnoying free of screaming brats.

Petra a.k.a The Wise (*Young*) Mommy said...

I would totally watch that show.

I am so jealous of the wine bars in it 5 o'clock yet?

LazyMom said...

I had NO IDEA how many reality shows were out there until we got FiOS...The Beast was so into the emergency room reality ones—I had to ban them. Every time I walked into the living room I would see some screaming kid covered in blood with a bone jutting out on TV—just horrible.

Then of course there are all those reality shows that require a certain body type—the little person show or a huge girl show...

And those shows where people with bad taste come into your house and totally redo it into something hideous.

I forgot all about the mommy-swap ones. Talk about nightmare scenarios...and really—although I may be a lazy mom, I would never think to expose my poor beast to some Evangelical Bible Belt mommy...even if it is for some cool prize.

Oh, oh, oh! The On the Road show! We LOVE it—The Husband and I were dying to go to Barcelona, but the Beast had to get braces instead. We still have our dreams, but for now drinking Spanish wine in front of the TV and watching Bittman complain while he drives with two beautiful women through beautiful countryside is the best we can do.

Wait until 5pm for wine? Hello---anytime after 12 noon is fine. Of will probably want to pop a breath mint before picking up the kids at school.