Freshman Orientation

“I swear to god if you make this meeting a second longer than it has to be by raising your hand, I WILL slap you.” I whisper at Ms. Music Teacher. This is where it gets ugly and a husband has to intervene. Ultimately I win this battle, but only to lose the war because there is a woman with even more esoteric questions sitting just outside my slap zone.

This was parents’ orientation to the high school set in the high schools’ uninspired lunch room.

I am listening to a seemingly endless presentation as I sit with the supermoms. Ms. Music Teacher, decides she wants to ask a question. It is not that I am against questions, but really, why not use a phone or e-mail. “ Let’s be honest—HOW many people have a kid in orchestrate AND band and who also want to sing in the choir—stick a cork in it Ms. Mozart. It is not like you are going to get class participation points.” I tell her in my own sensitive way.
“No…I really feel it is an important question and there may be other parents who have the same question and are afraid to ask.” she insists.

“You should be afraid” I threaten.

Thanks to The Beast and her non-clique personal philosophy—I am familiar with a number of the moms— the artsy, work from home type moms who are writing books or jetting off to photograph a dying population of pray rug weavers in the Himalayas. And also the super moms who are my favorite clique to hang with. They are busy, focused on their careers. I am, of course, not a supermom, but these are my people. These are people who work on the major scientific problems of the day and still have time to remind me to sign The Beast up for kindergarten. These are people who can get 400 kids under the age of ten to sing in-tune and still volunteer, these are people who run Brownie troops and then jet off to Japan for business. And it is not JUST the moms—these are women who managed to balance the art of having a career AND a life. They organize their lives for maximum satisfaction and they get their husbands on board faster than a conductor on a German train.

And these are the moms who ask the questions…lots of questions and I just have to deal with it.

What Kind of Mother Are You?

There seems to be a fair amount of confusion over the mommy classifications from one of my older posts...and as I mentioned earlier the list is not exhaustive and of course there are degrees and permutations of different mommy types as Ms. PR pointed out...such as the Lazy/Selfish Mom which is a branch of the just plain LazyMom. So here are a few common behaviors of various moms to help you decide YOUR true category.

Telltale Behavior #1--School

• If you have ever sent a permission slip, homework, test etc back to your kid's school with your signature AND a circular red wine stain on the paper: LazyMom

• If you have ever covered a circular red wine stain on a permission slip with white-out: SuperMom

• If you are horrified by the fact that someone could actually get a wine stain on anything: UberMom

Telltale Behavior #2--Vacations

• If you have ever found yourself booking a family trip to Venice rather than Disneyland because—we can always PhotoShop Mickey into a baby picture and tell her she went to Disneyland..that she just does not remember because she was so young: LazyMom

• If you have ever gone to Disneyland and have taken some poor neighbor’s child who has never been because she has a LazyMom who prefers Europe: SuperMom

• If you have a time-share in Disneyland for the next five years so your children can benefit from the joys of American culture: UberMom

Telltale Behavior #3--Health

• If you have ever dosed your child with cold medicine and sent her off to pre-school because—”please, it is not like you’ll get a refund when your kid is absent due to the sniffles and she probably got it from some snotty nosed kid there anyway.”: LazyMom

• If you ever noticed your child had a slight fever, called the pre-school to warn other parents and sent out e-mails to all play-dates that week that your child might be coming down with a virus and they should keep an eye on their child for signs of illness...: SuperMom

• If you ever noticed your child was just not herself, called your holistic pediatrician for some herbal remedy, kept the child home from pre-school and baked cookies with her: UberMom

Telltale Behavior #4—knowledge

• If your child knows how to pour a glass of wine...perfectly: LazyMom

• If your child knows Obama’s positions on public education: SuperMom

• If child knows all her grades will be "As" because you volunteered for every possible event at the school: UberMom

Telltale Behavior #5--Parties

• If your child’s birthday party always includes a case of wine and a case of beer for the parents: LazyMom

• If your child’s birthday party always includes an educational theme: SuperMom

• If your child’s birthday always includes some paid entertainment such as a clown, petting zoo, etc.: UberMom

Telltale Behavior #6— Leisure time

• If your idea of a good time is a pitcher of Sangria or martinis with your husband in the backyard while the child plays quietly with friends: LazyMom

• If your idea of a good time is a trip to someplace educational with the family: SuperMom

• What leisure time? Who has time for leisure?: UberMom

Feel free to add your own behavioral observations...there will be a prize for the best one in each classification and extra points for new variations.

Mommy Classifications

There are so many different kinds of moms...here are just a few of the many break-downs.

Lazy Mom (desidiosus mater matris)—they generally work, because honestly why let your career completely slip for five years just to stay at home to be a servant to a little demanding tyrant. They normally have a helpful husband. They do not volunteer for organized events, but are willing and able to take on an extra kid for a playdate or sleep-over if it is for a good cause—such as helping a friend have a fun time in the city for an evening. Lazy Moms tend to have one child. One perfect child.

Moms (mater matris)—they have more than one child. They are thoughtful and nice and generally helpful. Sometimes their husbands help with the fun-dad stuff, but the dads are not the ones directing baths or making lunches and dinners...the moms basically do it all on the home front and work.

Ubermoms (supernus mater matris) —they usually work in the home or they have a part-time job, but they some how manage to dedicate 60 hours a week to volunteering at the school. They are amazed that other mothers do not want to spend a mere 30 hours a week printing newsletters or planning assemblies. Avoid Ubermoms like the plague. They try to suck you into volunteering, carpooling, signature gathering for events and causes that are better left untended.

Supermoms (prodigiosus mater matris)-—the woman works...often an entrepreneur...her children are involved in all the correct afterschool activities...a sport for each season, something cultural such as Shakespeare plays, takes the children on educational outings and, of course, is involved in an approved religious sect. Just a note to the Lazy Moms--the pagan drinking of wine and appreciating nature is NOT an approved religion.

Cling to the supermoms like a lifeboat on the Titanic. They are organized, have focus and purpose and if they feel your Lazy Mom lifestyle may benefit their child (thank god we are artsy and can occasionally throw a good party) you are golden. They know everything and everyone. They will remind you of all key school events...suggest an activity for those tricky half days... I love the supermoms because my child can often tag along and have all the benefits of the Supermom (trips to the Amish Country, Science Museum etc.) minus the pressure of having to be a Superkid.