Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Reading Camp

“I’m thinking READING CAMP.” Said Ms. Seize the Moment in a hushed, anxious tone during one of those motherhood insecurity phases before you stop reading those idiotic child rearing books that list baby/toddler milestones.

“I am thinking that you better start sharing whatever drugs you are taking.”I said with all the sympathy of a NYC Policeman.

“What? You don’t think reading camp is a good idea?” she said in sheer disbelief.

“Sweetheart—the girls are three. No one wants a little egghead reading War and Peace at four…except perhaps my brother. It just isn’t right. I am happy that The Beast has stopped gnawing on her board books. “

“Okay…okay—how about private swimming lessons at a hotel pool in New Jersey?”

“Back to my first point about the drugs--really—what have you been taking? Please go back to Feng Shui-ing your house…because some energy must be lodged in the crazy zone of your home….maybe a crystal or wind chime will release it.”

I don’t know about anyone else, but I read What to Expect When You’re Expecting like it was a Steven King novel so when someone gave me What to Expect: The First Year I tossed it. And What to Expect: The Toddler Years….please…like you don’t get ENOUGH advice when you have a kid.

Honestly—when getting gifts for new mothers—think wine or hard liquor.


Michele said...

Kids come with manuals these days?

LazyMom said...

Haven't they always? I remember my mother telling me about her anger with Dr. Spock.